I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to have a beautiful place such as Virginia to come home. This past week was one-hundred percent needed physically and mentally and, like I said before, really came at a great time in this post-grad journey so far. Again, after three weeks of go-go-go dancing/performing/auditioning, it was nice to step back for a few days and take that first real exhale. Everyone needs a few days of family and friends and full-sized beds and green trees out their window in the morning and hot meals and burger night at Nana and Pop-pop's, and...(I think you get it). As always, I came home to sleep but stayed up until 2 AM with my sister more often than not and said I'd work out the every day starting Sunday morning and ended up doing, like, 20 minutes' worth of ab-work and pushups the entire time. I watched The Bachelorette Monday night in real time thanks to cable instead of waiting for my Tuesday evening viewing online, both of which are perfectly fine with me, it's just nice sometimes to be able to know what the Twitter updates are referring to all night after already seeing it all happen instead of using the feed as a nice, detailed foreshadowing, if you will. Ahh, yes, the small things about home. You've got to love it all!
Here's what happened a little unexpectedly this week, though. Along with that first post-grad exhale came my first real pang of anxiousness about the reality of where I am right now. I had my first, "Okay, so I'm going back to the city Friday and I'm done with school, I don't yet have a job, I'm getting on the tail end of my lease, and I really want and need to hear back from the auditions I did last week. But I'm going back to the city Friday. So, like....Now what?" I didn't so much enjoy having that in my brain this week, I must say. It's almost more of a nuisance to have in there than it is real anxiety because when I stop to think through it for a minute I'm reminded that things are on the table and will come together as they're supposed to, but for a girl who really loves her day-planner and her lists, it can be a more intimidating thought than I'd anticipated. I guess I knew the worry was on its way, seeing as I probably would have known it a month ago if I had the days following graduation weren't chock-full of to-dos and things and stuff and places to be. My timetable's just a little delayed I suppose!
It's tricky being in limbo like this and it's definitely not my favorite place to be. I think I made that fact known to myself this week when the time to acknowledge it was available to me. Yet as much as I could have done without these days of downtime shadowed with the "what ifs" that are waiting at the other end of this bus trip, I don't think my excitement for this whole "real life thing" has lessened any. (It's just over yonder while this anxiousness takes a quick turn for a minute. But just for a minute!) I know that the second I get back into my city and into my groove and back in ballet classes and hit the ground running again I'm going to be loving it all again. (So, basically, at about 4pm today! Haha!)
In the midst of all the unsure things that are hanging out up in the air right now, I'm still going to choose happiness and joy and be grateful that all of these unknowns are even in my life. My face may show a furrowed brow from time to time, but in my heart I'm going to keep breathing and know that life is good because the reason for every one of these unknowns is the art and the process that I so love. And I just have to keep reminding myself that I do love the process, which is essentially the primary gift above all. The unknowns--the jobs, the answers, the solutions, etc--those are the interim milestones and checkpoints and further foundations and places to "rest" for a second before continuing on; they will come and go with each day. The work that I love though will remain constant no matter what milestone I'm at. So while I wait and while I start to think through and plan some of these bigger tasks that will start happening in the coming weeks of summer, I'm going to remain glad in the knowledge that no matter what, all the behind-the-scenes, "daily life" pieces is where I actually find so much fulfillment, from my morning music jams, to the sun shining beautifully, to feeling prepared and excited for that early morning audition, to walking away from that audition no matter what having new information and tools than I did when I walked in...
A whole is nonexistent without its parts, so here we go. Back to the city. Excited to see a few destinations coming up in the (hopefully near) future, but more excited to really start to figure out how to put all the pieces together (and why) in order to most efficiently reach those destination points. Now's the time! Bring it, life! :)
(P.S. We made it! Werq, WiFi!)
(P.P.S. All those run-ons? Terrible. Sorry! :))
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