Because I Said So. It's For My Own Good.

A good thing happened yesterday.

You know how from the time we can comprehend conversation we learn that sometimes we have to do things we just don't want to do? But we also learn that almost always the things we should do, or have to do, those things because they're for our own good? I know, typical parental reasoning. "So-and-so, I need you to _________." "But I don't want to." "You have to." "But why? I don't want to!" "Because I said so. It's for your own good." (Not saying that my parents really ever used this type of reasoning with us, but the gist of it was still made clear to us as kids.) Things have to get done because our wise and knowledgeable caregivers know that they will benefit us in the long run, even when our inexperienced, naive minds didn't have the capacity or the experience to know so at the time. The thing is, as we get older, we have to take on the responsibility of our own accountability. We have to be able to say to ourselves (and yes, talking to yourself is perfectly acceptable at times likes these, though I usually choose silent conversation just in case), "You have no choice. You have to do this. No options this time."

I had ballet with Jack yesterday as usual. As not-so-usual, I wore the following outfit: a leotard, dance shorts, and a white wrap skirt that just so happened to appear last week from the depths of my dresser. Now, the last time I wore just a leotard with shorts in class was two years ago. This is for two reasons. 1) Dance is a visual art, so needless to say it's easy to become self-conscious and confidence has a tendency to ride life's ups and downs. Since my whole second year of school was on a bit of a downhill slope, and last year was spent working my way back up to the level I knew I was capable of being at, my usual uniform went by the wayside and has had to make its way back into my routine. 2) Simple laziness. There are no more leotard color requirements that pertain to your level of training anymore as it is when you're growing up. At school leotards and tights weren't a requirement so as I got lazier for awhile there I just kind of rolled with it because no one was going to make me do otherwise. 

But yesterday I woke up and I said to myself, "Okay Michaela. Enough. You're going to ballet today? Then act like it." So into my bag went the following: leotard, shorts, skirt, t-shirt, cotton shorts, sweats. (I do like to have options for while I'm warming up before class and to have during the first few barre exercises, though in heat like this there's really no need for any of it!) I got to Broadway Dance Center and pulled my options out of my bag so I could go get changed, actually a little nervous at the knowledge that I really didn't have any crutch options available for the moment when I decided no, I'll restart the dress code on Monday. 

I put on my dance clothes and some layers and gave myself a nice thorough warmup, as I've been making myself also do. (Core strenthening, stretching, etc...It's the best.) The start of class was nearing so I put my ballet shoes on, and I couldn't bear to wear my sweats anymore because I was already sweating buckets and I still had a full class ahead. So off went the sweatpants, on went the skirt, and there I was. Looking more like a ballet dancer than I have in much too long. Feeling more like a ballet dancer than I had in much too long. And I have to say, I liked it.

The class before us finished, we went into the room and started pulling out barres, and dancers tend to be territorial when it comes to spots at the ballet barre. Well, someone new was in class and was standing where I usually stand, but I figured it was a good thing. New outfit, new spot...new outlook. 

And so class began. Jack's plié combination is the same every class so he says, "Aaaalright, first position please! [Gestures to the pianist] And..." and all the new people in class follow the people who already know it as he gently calls things out for help every couple of counts. And from that first plié, class felt one-hundred percent different than any ballet class I've taken anytime recently. I was taken back to the days when I approached every ballet class like a ballet class, not just a dance class, and I worked completely different. We all have habits in our dancing mannerisms, some good and some not so good. The not-so-good ones we try to cheat and get by, by skirting around them and making alternate choices to offset our wrongdoings. For instance, sometimes I don't close, cross or get my heels completely down in fifth position during tendus. This is hard for me. Always has been. On most occasions my main task for the tricky, fast tendu combinations is just to get through it. Get through it, we'll move on and I won't have to deal with it anymore. Well, yesterday my purple leotard had me doing otherwise. With a little mental force and a some nice, newfound determination, I made those fifth positions as accurate as I possibly could. It didn't happen every time, but I felt it when it did. No, it wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't the easy route that I've gotten so used to taking. But it also wasn't a daunting, impossible feat either, so I'd come to find out. Another example: center adagio. I've never been a fan of adagio. It's slow. It involves high leg extensions. And it's slow. I'm growing to enjoy it more because now I feel like I'm able to find new ways to infuse the weaker bits with aspects of my stronger areas in order to make the tasks more physically feasible, but yesterday I felt tall. I'm 5'4" and athletically built, so I come a good deal short of the long and lean type (hah, no pun intended), but yesterday as I stood in fifth position waiting for the music to start (as tight a fifth position as I could muster without freaking my knees and ankles out), I actually felt tall. And I felt ready and able to take on and perform a center adagio combination. Because for the first time in ages I could visually see my whole self in the mirror and the reflection I saw wasn't covered up in baggy t-shirts, bulky shorts and a shadow of self-doubt. It was a nice change. And a much-needed one at that. 

I went through all of class yesterday absolutely loving every challenge, because the second I made myself play the part and believe in myself playing the part excuse-free, the challenges posed themselves to me as opportunities with attainable results. Because I was finally believing that they were attainable results. I don't think any thought along the lines of "My body doesn't move like that," or "That's just what I've always done, so that's how I do it" even crossed my mind, which was very refreshing because I wasn't held down by that obnoxious, pessimistic innervoice who whispers her two cents whenever she senses vulnerability. 

But yesterday vulnerability wasn't an option. The doubts and the complaining and the whining weren't options. 

"Michaela, you're wearing a leotard and shorts today. You look fine. Just do it."

"But I haven't done that in two years. I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I usually just wear a tank top. Though I guess they're all dirty..."

"Well, are you going to take class seriously? Okay then. You're wearing a leotard." 

"Forward port-de-bras really hurts to stretch because my hamstrings are so tight and I can't get my fifths to close."

"Okay, well then stretch your hamstrings, roll them out before class, and get your heel across in fifth. And remember to breathe." 

(It worked.)

"You know, I really don't like stretching my extensions because my muscles seem to have gotten tighter and they just don't go so easily anymore."

"Have they gotten tighter or have you just stopped stretching them, resulting in tight muscles?"

"........"

"Right. Grab your foot. Stretch."

Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. But so often, once we do the things we don't want to do, we'll realize that our excuses are rather invalid, for the reasoning we present has no substance. It's not a capability issue that's blocking our way; we're fully capable of doing everything that has to be done. In fact, at least in personal experiences, the excuse-making is really only for personal reasons. It's to make myself think that there's a real reason why I'm not putting my best foot forward, when in reality I know that the truth is it's nothing more than an excuse. 

Sometimes, you just have to put yourself in timeout, wear a blasted leotard, and put your heels down in fifth. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You'll accomplish the small things keeping you still without even knowing you've done it, and that's when the bigger and better doors become new territory just waiting for you dive in :)

The Popsicle Days of Summer

Well if you're on this page reading these words right now I can only assume that you've managed to beat the heat without totally melting so far, so kudos to you and keep doing what you're doing because it ain't over yet! WOW, it's warm!


In my opinion, the worst phase of summer heat like this is probably those first few days when it really hits for the first time of the season. That first week is rough because no matter how many times you read on Weather.com that it's going to be 100 degrees with a heat index of a million and a gazillion-and-three percent humidity, nothing can really prepare you for that first step out your door in the morning when it's a mere 9:00 A.M. and you're already swimming through air thicker than molasses. No matter what you will sweat all day and your hair will do things of its own. Now's the time to embrace the natural beauty, people! Comfort is key and who wants a head full of sweaty, gloppy hair product for three months? Not this kid, that's for sure! Ponytails and running shorts it is, then! 


Today was another warm one, but it was a warm one filled with really good "summer in the city" energy. I was feeling really good vibes from pretty much every and all things. (I only say "pretty much" because as much as I know it's one of those things you just have to get over and deal with, the tourists in midtown today? They were a lot to deal with.) But again, that's part of the beauty of this crazy city, and when I feel myself getting frustrated, well...Nah, I get frustrated. But then I remember that that song on my iPod is one of my favorite ones and I bought clean socks without holes in them, so yet again the positives outweigh the negatives!


I took class this morning at Broadway Dance Center from Keigwin+Co's Emily Shoen and knew that it was going to be the perfect class for a beautiful Thursday morning. I don't usually take class much in the morning anymore either so that was a nice change of pace. (Wait, back up...My iced coffee this morning was totally on point. T'was perfect from first sip to last.) My expectations were met and then exceeded, as I knew they would be; a little improv-y movement to get the muscles moving (not that they weren't already warmed up from the commute uptown!), some technique-y warm-up exercises, a lighthearted across-the-floor phrase to get us moving, and then we learned a little rep from the K+C company which, as always, was too much fun. It's movement that I so love being able to put into my body because it's really the perfect combination of technique and release, I guess. The contemporary style of the company is one that I love watching, I love dancing...I'm a definitely all-around fan! And BOY was I sweating by the time class was over! But there's nothing like a good, disgusting summer dance sweat to make a girl feel refreshed and revitalized. Seriously, I left ballet yesterday feeling the same way. It's like a fantastic natural cleanse. So good. 


Random run-ins on the street are always fun and today New York City was throwing them at me! This included seeing one of my dance teachers from back home while I was waiting for class at BDC. Was NOT expecting that! I mean I knew she was in the city but it was such a great surprise to see her unexpectedly walk around the corner! Her class was starting before mine so we chatted for a minute and made plans for coffee later this afternoon. What a nice taste of home that was!


I took a quick walk through Central Park while killing time between class and coffee. Sunbathers, runners/bikers, tourists in pedicab seats took in the sights, the playground was alive with happy kids on summer break; I walked by a group of little kids in matching t-shirts (maybe 6...7 years old?) with their camp counselors by the fence on one of the fields. They were cheering their team members on enthusiastically as each new kid took on their leg of a relay race. I had to stop for a minute and watch because they were just too cute. So happy. So excited. What's more positively contagious than a happy kid? I'll tell you...Not one thing.


I found myself smiling a lot while I was walking down the street all day. Good music kept playing on my iPod and everything about the city was bringing me joy. Even the heat. The sun was almost calming to me and my skin was thankful for a hearty dose of Vitamin D. The streets felt very alive to me and I can't help but feel grateful when I get to be part of such a community. This is a big city with a lot of people and a lot going on. But knowing that my place--my story--is a part, is a humbling and exciting thing to remember. I think everyone feels drowned in the mix at some point or another, which is completely normal, but then you remember that it's truly amazing to be able to be here, there, or wherever you are. To be in the heart of it all no matter where you may be or what you may be doing. 


Joy without reason. Many days lately, including today, I'm only able to pin down vague things that are making me walk down the street perfectly content and goofily smiling--adorable kids in the park, a Q express train that's come to take me home at the end of the day instead of the local R train. But the real happiness isn't coming from these things. These are examples of specifics I can give in the case that specifics are needed. No, this joy really is coming from the simple state of being. Here and now. No matter what is happening, laughter or stress or whatever on the emotional spectrum, life is happening. And that in itself is a gift that I can't give enough thanks for. Life's happening, and in it love and peace are always within reach.


Happy Thursday, friends :)